The “In-between” Girl

Heraclitus said that one cannot step into the same river twice. I guess the same can be said about myself as well, for I am never the same person. Every minute, I learn and see things that forever change my being.

I wish I could definitely say that I am “kikay” or that I am simple, but I cannot. I wish I could say that I am intelligent or that I have a low IQ, but I cannot. I wish I could say that I am sensitive and emotional or that I have the feelings of a rock, but I cannot. I can’t say that I’m religious or that I doubt my having one. I can’t say that I am spiritual or that I am not. I can’t say that I’m funny, but I can’t say that I don’t have a sense of humor either. I can’t say that I’m hardworking, though I also can’t say that I am lazy. I can’t say I’m determined, but I can’t say that I’m not. I can’t say that I possess a good heart, but I can’t say that I do not. I can’t say that I’m happy, though I cannot say that I am sad. I can’t say that I hope or that I don’t. I can’t say that I love, but I can’t say that I don’t either. I wish I could say something, but I can’t. Because it is quite possible, and probable too, that the moment I do say that I am certainly something, I will have changed already. Besides, I could also be biased!

So instead of describing myself, I’ll just say what I know and what I don’t know. I know I love my God, my family, my friends [and everyone else], but I don’t know how to show them that I do. I know I need and want to be loved, but I don’t know how to make that happen. I know that I want to live a passionate and purposeful life, but I have no inkling where to start and how. I know that I want to enjoy life, but I don’t know how I can inject enjoyment into everything I do. I know I want to accomplish something great and life-changing, but I don’t know what exactly and how exactly. I know the difference between what’s right and wrong [at least, I think I do], but I don’t know why I sometimes don’t show that I do. Heck, I probably shouldn’t be saying any of this because I know that, any minute now, I could be retracting what I just said since even the writing of this essay can transform me in a jiffy. For example, three days ago I would have disagreed to my remark on learning from all experiences, but as of now, I believe that every incident is a means of learning and an opportunity for changing. Tomorrow, I may have a different opinion again, though I cannot tell. Every second, I change, though these do not always result in improvements.

I belong to the world in between, much like the river, for I can never settle permanently at one. And though it is pretty exhausting to be the “in between” girl, it’s just right for fickle me. I like the fact that I can never be labeled anything but “in between”. And that is probably the only thing I am sure of knowing.

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this essay was an assignment back in 1st yr, 2nd sem, asking us to describe ourselves.. just a silly way of avoiding having to answer that. i sure hope we'll all discover who we are one day.

heehee..this is something i made during visual arts days..aisa would've remembered this! made use of oil pastel..haaaay! i miss those stressful days when i'd stay up til 1am making arts stuff..those were the best..you get grades for drawing, painting, printing on tee's and making sculptures..now you don't get a good grade even if you memorize the whole organic chem book! 

this is my fabulous closet! yeah..right! in my dreams, maybe..this is, in fact, a small part of the thrift store to the chi chi socialites of manila..selection: from gorgeous and glamorous gowns to ostentatious cocktail dresses to wacky bra tops! don't believe me? just look at ate cla's blog. 

one long fx ride, a dizzying bus ride, and a hell-ish jeepney ride later..me and ate cla in front of rainbow bazaar..obvious ba, excited kami?! haha.. 

The pseudo suicide letter

this past sem, i've done nothing but blubber. it's hardly a secret to you that i am a very big crybaby. i'm sorry for doing that, but i just really needed emotional social support [that's a coping strategy, you know]. i must've wailed at you so loud that you could see my tonsils vibrate. hehe. i'm sorry if i made you feel unfomfortable while i did this, or that you had to give me your t-shirt sleeve to wipe my tears on. it must've really turned you off, though you made sure i didn't realize this. thanks for that. it's so great to have someone like you. you know, when i cry at home, people get mad at me. maybe because i do it often. but you, you understand. and if you don't, that doesn't matter to you at all...by patting my head and combing your fingers through my tangled hair, you've managed to make me feel better. i am uber happy to have met you. even if we're not that close, even if i am hardly of any use to you, you're still there for me. this drives me crazy..and i love it. as oxymoronic as it may sound, this keeps me sane too. i want you to know that you've done so much for me..so much that i am terrified that i won't survive without you. you oughtta know that whatever happens to me, 'tis my own doing. don't feel guilty. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't have even reached this far. so thank you. i love you so much. i just want you to know that it's a wrench to have to part with you..but it's too late for any of us to change it. goodbye.

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hehe..don't worry..even if i am desperate, i know i'm not thaaaaaaaaat useless. you'll know when i'm planning to committ suicide coz then, i'd be making wills, doing bits of good deeds, that sort of stuff. i thought this us on the trip home after chem dep. it was meant to be a thank you letter to you all coz you've been so nice to me and i haven't an idea why coz i don't think i deserve it, but i ended up writing a pseudo suicide note instead..haha..there are symbolisms whatever in this...anyway, love you all..toodles...

Hoping…waiting….

The first episode of one tree hill’s 2nd season just ended, and I am feeling blissfully sad. Weird, huh? Here are some of the events which took place: Brooke and Peyton are friends again, Luke and Keith went back, and Nathan promised Halley [is the spelling right?] that he’d always be there with her. This is what touched me most. See, last season, they got married. Note: they’re still in high school..and it wasn’t so they could have sex. It didn’t matter that they didn’t have much in common or that Nathan’s dad doesn’t approve of their relationship or that his mom didn’t want them to get married at such a young age. They knew it was the opportune moment, and they seized it.

Anyway, it was just super duper sweet, so watch it! I just wanted to voice out my hopes of finding my Nathan. And it doesn’t even matter if that happens now or 40 years later. What matters is that it does happen. Period. *sighs real loud*

shallow reasons

cried a bit a while ago...i'm still feeling a bit emotional, which is the only reason i'm writing an article amidst all the papers i must also conjure. i've so many other topics i should've written about before this but..oh well...nothing deep and too insightful here..i'm just frustrated...

last night, i finally had the guts to bring up my desire to stay at a dorm. i mean, okay..i only live in QC, very near to manila, but i've got good reasons. and going out and staying out late isn't even one of them! it's just that i get real tired from travelling and commuting. i mean, those 2 hours everyday could be put to much better use. like for slumber. my semi-fragile body gets so tired that i fall asleep during lectures! any class, every class. heck, i fell asleep during PE! now you know something's wrong...plus, i could also use that time for studying. God knows i need to study more.. living in a dorm would make the library [and my smarter dorming classmates] more accessible. i could join their studygroups, etc. i miss being smart..i can't keep up anymore..i really need this. i know i wasn't really very bright to begin with, which is why i could really use the extra time! i could really use a dorm..but..all of these reasons, my mom said, were SHALLOW!!! it's like saying my future isn't important..it's shallow. aaaaaaargh! she said i made too much "palusots"..i wish i could remind her that that was her "palusot" whenever i was winning. i hate that they just refuse to hear me out, that they refuse to take my arguments seriously...that they refuse to take me seriously. when you don't understand the reason, it seems shallow. i think it's not because they don't understand..it's because they refuse to do so..they don't even try. then my mom keeps comparing me to students who live faraway and still manage to be scholars..or to my sisters who didn't stay at dorms..but my situation is different! i mean, i'm sure my siblings also had a tough time in college, but they aren't as easily stressed as i am. and i doubt if they thought of failing the way i did..as if it were torture or something. i don't wanna fail, but already am..i wanna do well in school, be a CS even just once..and its partly for my parents, but why don't they see that? heck, the fact that i took the risk to ask them for this already meant it's such a big deal...don't they get it? besides..dorming would be such a great learning experience..you get to live with strangers, share bathrooms and stuff like that..i'll learn to be both independent and interdependent! and that is so valuable in the real world..

why? why? i don't ask for a lot of things...just this..and a few more..why can't i get this? why can we never get what we want most? is it because we don't deserve it? then why do corrupt politicians live happily? i don't know..do they? my point is..if i have one...why? how? and why doesn't anyone listen to me? okay..i don't know how that got in..but i felt like saying it anyway..

i know you're probably thinking i'm shallow, getting mad over such a "small" thing..maybe i am..am i shallow? i just don't know anymore..aaargh...only a few people would understand how i feel...do i even really need this? or is this just my excuse for not doing well? i don't know..maybe it's both...or maybe i'm just looking for a new life [i'll tell you more bout that later] and this is the solution i came up with..

i don't know..should i just give up on it? anyway, it'll happen if God wills it..and if He doesn't, i sure hope he wills that i survive my school and family life in the next, hopefully, 3 years. or at least, i hope He wills that the bits of fluff clouding my mind and confusing me so much would disappear..

Bradshaw and Big...finally

Okay. I realize this article is way behind. Heck, it’s so late that if I were a journalist, well, I wouldn’t be one anymore. But like they say..it’s better late than never, isn’t it?

Anyway, despite all the unfortunate events going on in my life right now, such as the possibility of getting delayed, I sort of have a feeling this’ll be a good year for me. Why, you ask? Well, the first feeling I got this new year was one of hope. See, right after our New Year’s Eve reunion on my mother’s side, I went home, and, to my surprise, found out that THE last episode of SATC was being replayed on HBO. I did get a bit teary-eyed..ok, fine! I cried..but just a little! Defensive ba? Anyway, here’s the “condensed” version: Carrie went to Paris to live there with her Russian boyfriend. But before she did, Big appeared and told her he couldn’t live without her and that this time would be different. But no! Carrie said that there wouldn’t be a “this time” because she’s finally realized that Big always takes her for granted whenever she gives him another chance. Anyway, once there, she immediately gets homesick..for her friends, for New York, and, [not surprisingly] for Big. Alex [the boyfriend] was having an unveiling [he’s an artist] at the same night of the party which was being thrown for Carrie by her French fans. Though she was reluctant to not attend the party because she had no way of canceling it [she didn’t get the contact number] and not showing up would make her look like a snob [this is just my opinion..the truth is, she was reluctant because, well, how often does a columnist have fans in a foreign country?], she went to support the very nervous boyfriend instead. But once the critics expressed how much they loved his work, Alex let go of Carrie’s hand, as if completely forgetting that, just a second ago, he needed her to keep his knees from bending. [This was a very nice, sad scene where the way he let go of Carrie’s hand was made even more dramatic through slow motion.] When Carrie was absentmindedly staring at her purse at the gallery, she found out that her “Carrie” necklace, the one she was so depressed about when she thought it was lost, was in it all along. [Here is a symbolism, I think..the necklace represents her “before”, if you know what I mean.] She decides to go to the party but arrives too late. When she returned, she had a fight with her boyfriend for obvious reasons. Carrie finally realized that she made a mistake going to Paris. She’s at the lobby when Big enters, searching for her [I forgot to mention that Big met with the girls and asked if they think he should go after Carrie..how sweet! He wanted to make sure he was doing what’s right for Carrie, and not just what’s right for him..Miranda, knowing Carrie the best, told him he should get Carrie back], and Carrie breaks down at the sight of him..blah blah blah ..sweet stuff..and they finally realized they truly loved each other..the end. Oh yeah, she’s back in New York!

So, why does it give me hope? Well, if you watch SATC, you know that Carrie is just extremely unlucky when it comes to love. Personally, I think she’s a bit too emotional about some stuff, which is why none of her relationships lasted that long. But after such a long time, she finally found her guy. That gives me hope. I know many of my classmates would object to this, seeing me in despair everyday for the past two weeks, but, deep inside, I am truly hopeful..for a lot of things. Not just hope for finding the right guy, but hope in achieving something you think was impossible, or at least, improbable. Like passing a difficult course, patching things up with an enemy [or, in my case, my mother], truly living life..and more. Sure, it may take me longer than it did Carrie, but I’ll get there..and I’m sure you will too.

think i got a future as a photographer? i took this shot at boracay, right before we went island hopping and right before i realized i get seasick pretty easy.. 

me and ate cla..this was taken during may, at pier one in boracay.. 

at oody's, showing off my prowess in using the almighty chopsticks! haha