shallow reasons

cried a bit a while ago...i'm still feeling a bit emotional, which is the only reason i'm writing an article amidst all the papers i must also conjure. i've so many other topics i should've written about before this but..oh well...nothing deep and too insightful here..i'm just frustrated...

last night, i finally had the guts to bring up my desire to stay at a dorm. i mean, okay..i only live in QC, very near to manila, but i've got good reasons. and going out and staying out late isn't even one of them! it's just that i get real tired from travelling and commuting. i mean, those 2 hours everyday could be put to much better use. like for slumber. my semi-fragile body gets so tired that i fall asleep during lectures! any class, every class. heck, i fell asleep during PE! now you know something's wrong...plus, i could also use that time for studying. God knows i need to study more.. living in a dorm would make the library [and my smarter dorming classmates] more accessible. i could join their studygroups, etc. i miss being smart..i can't keep up anymore..i really need this. i know i wasn't really very bright to begin with, which is why i could really use the extra time! i could really use a dorm..but..all of these reasons, my mom said, were SHALLOW!!! it's like saying my future isn't important..it's shallow. aaaaaaargh! she said i made too much "palusots"..i wish i could remind her that that was her "palusot" whenever i was winning. i hate that they just refuse to hear me out, that they refuse to take my arguments seriously...that they refuse to take me seriously. when you don't understand the reason, it seems shallow. i think it's not because they don't understand..it's because they refuse to do so..they don't even try. then my mom keeps comparing me to students who live faraway and still manage to be scholars..or to my sisters who didn't stay at dorms..but my situation is different! i mean, i'm sure my siblings also had a tough time in college, but they aren't as easily stressed as i am. and i doubt if they thought of failing the way i did..as if it were torture or something. i don't wanna fail, but already am..i wanna do well in school, be a CS even just once..and its partly for my parents, but why don't they see that? heck, the fact that i took the risk to ask them for this already meant it's such a big deal...don't they get it? besides..dorming would be such a great learning experience..you get to live with strangers, share bathrooms and stuff like that..i'll learn to be both independent and interdependent! and that is so valuable in the real world..

why? why? i don't ask for a lot of things...just this..and a few more..why can't i get this? why can we never get what we want most? is it because we don't deserve it? then why do corrupt politicians live happily? i don't know..do they? my point is..if i have one...why? how? and why doesn't anyone listen to me? okay..i don't know how that got in..but i felt like saying it anyway..

i know you're probably thinking i'm shallow, getting mad over such a "small" thing..maybe i am..am i shallow? i just don't know anymore..aaargh...only a few people would understand how i feel...do i even really need this? or is this just my excuse for not doing well? i don't know..maybe it's both...or maybe i'm just looking for a new life [i'll tell you more bout that later] and this is the solution i came up with..

i don't know..should i just give up on it? anyway, it'll happen if God wills it..and if He doesn't, i sure hope he wills that i survive my school and family life in the next, hopefully, 3 years. or at least, i hope He wills that the bits of fluff clouding my mind and confusing me so much would disappear..