old maid in the making

Last Sunday, October 24th, I went back to my high school to join the so-called festivities of its annual Family Day. I spent a couple of hours watching the dance productions of high school students with my high school friends. Afterwards, I met up with my best friend and [surprise! surprise!] some of her male block mates. They’d talk, I’d listen. It was alright. Then, she and I met up with more high school friends. When we were alone [sort of], I told her something I never had the guts to tell anyone before: that I fear that I’ll actually be an old maid, a spinster, a single woman desperately searching for that great love yet never finding it [maybe a Charlotte York, though not as pretty]. I mean, I’ve been wondering out loud, asking when my no-boyfriend-since-birth status will change, but I’ve never really faced what could be the truth-until now. Of course, it’s too early to tell. I mean, I’m only 16, but I can’t help asking, “what if?”

That Sunday, and even on the previous family day, I felt how it was to be left behind. I couldn’t catch up with the train that boarded people with future “romantic” relationships. I see all my friends and most of them are “experienced” or at least, have potentials to be. Then I look in the mirror, and I see the wallflower..the girl who repels members of the male species for some unknown reason [well..unknown to her].

I remember my mom scolding me for my lousy hairstyle, telling me I’d never get a good boyfriend if I went out the house looking like that. And even though most of you guys know I’m on a quest [well..not really] to find “love”, I found myself saying, “so what? Hindi naman ako nabubuhay para magkaroon ng boyfriend eh!” Yes, I said that [during this schoolyear, I might add]. I guess it’s come back to haunt me. I’m looking for IT as a supplement to my life, but I don’t exactly live to find IT. So why give IT to me, right?

People have so many opinions regarding love. Some say it completes you. Others say that only people who are already complete are capable of having a good relationship since it’s just supposed to be an extra, a bonus..like dessert to a 2-course meal. Some flinch at the thought of soul mates and spending eternity with a single person. Hmmm..i’m really confused! Sometimes I’m amazed to see single people so successful in life. I ask myself, are they successful because they can live without IT? Or did they strive so much for excellence to try to fill in the hole in their lives? How about couples? Did they think that success in their career or whatever is secondary to love? Or are they just too tied up? Is a romantic relationship really that important? They say we can’t live without it, and yet we do. Or are we really living?

Perhaps we can never be totally complete, whether in a relationship or not. There will always be something missing. For singles, maybe a bit of love. For couples, perhaps a bit of freedom. Whatever it is, one must choose which she’d/he’d rather have in his life and which she’d/he’d be willing to let go of. Then, one may achieve the truly intrinsic good in life: happiness. Or you can at least come close to doing so.

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sorry bout this..i know you’ll hate me for posting something about being an old maid. Anyway, in case you don’t know, I am one of the so-called founders of HRM. That’s hopeless romantics’ ministry. Don’t look at me..i know, I know. It’s corny. But we lovebirds can’t help it. Most of our members [from my block] are SSB’s too. Haha! You can join us! Actually, we haven’t done anything since the day we made the group. But it’s nice for lonely people like me, and even for those who aren’t so lonely, cause you find that you can belong. Maybe not to THE ONE, well..not yet, at least. Whaaaat? I’m semi-desperate!!

fickle me

a guy friend accompanied me while i was waiting for my sister to pick me up at a KFC resto. i had such a difficult time deciding that even the snail-crawling pace of its employees didn't give me enough time to choose which meal i'd be buying. so, my friend called me fickle. in fact, he said all females were. slightly crossed at the comment, i started debating with him and defended that i was just indecisive. after all, it's really hard to choose when you're in KFC [i happen to like chicken].

on my way home, i wondered, why is it that as we get older, it becomes harder for us to make decisions? is it because we get more confused as information accumulate in our brain? is it because we learn to consider other factors in our decisions as we get older? or have we forgotten to follow our hearts and conscience instead of our wants? i'm only sixteen years old but i'm already confused about so many things. shouldn't we be more sure as we get older and not more doubtful and, yes, fickle? it took me three trips to the fridge before i finally decided that i was too full to drink milk tonight. why is it so hard to make even the smallest of decisions?

hmm..maybe the way you make decisions regarding petty little things represents the way you make choices which could possibly alter your life. maybe these are just trials so that we may be prepared when it comes to the real thing. just as when you're eating in a fastfood resto, you can't always get exactly what you want cause it may not be available. but sooner or later, you'll have to make a decision to avoid holding up the line and have hungry customers breathing down your neck. hopefully sooner..and hopefully, you won't pick the Chaka meal either.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------the article above is my first stab at a "meaningful" journal entry ala Carrie Bradshaw. i've just watched four whole seasons so i'm still suffering SATC hangovers. forgive me if it's sappy, but that's what you'll be getting from me most of the time. tell me whatcha think..and no, i won't sue you if you criticize too much. that hint about the milk was true and yes, i do still drink milk at night. and no, KFC doesn't officially have a Chaka meal. that's just what my friends in UP call their oriental rice meals..i'm not gonna say anything bad bout it coz 1] i haven't tried it and 2] KFC might sue me if i do say anything. toodles!