the girl wihout an identity

i did something incredibly stupid! so stupid that i am too ashamed to tell you guys exactly what i did. anyway, once i realized what i was doing, it was just too late for me to stop. what i did had something to do with something most of us, humans, are very concerned with..and that is wanting to be accepted by others, even, to be popular amongst peers. and i hate it!! even in my daydreams, i am constantly haunted by my desire to be famous and to be admired, along with the hopes of finding true love and happiness, and acquiring a fashion-forward wardrobe.

i look at other people [in college] and i fear that i am the only one suffering this disease. back in high school, i can definitely say that more than half of the students went through what i'm experiencing at the moment. but now, the people i know are just so sure of themselves that they don't yearn for the approval of others. unfortunately, i am exactly the opposite. i think i lack confidence because i haven't got a clue what i'm supposed to be confident about. when i was undergoing these high-anxiety analysis things [thanks ate jom], i was asked to name some of my qualities and all that stuff. i had a bit of difficulty doing so. it's like i really don't know myself! for example, i started to write that i was creative, but i was interrupted by the thought that i may not meet the "standard creativity rating" to actually certify that i am creative. get what i mean? i wrote down some of my traits in that piece of paper [i had to], but with much doubt and reluctance.

so now..i'm gonna take another stab at it and i'm gonna try to write of things that i am sure of..then you can too! let's see..i know that i love fashion and i like to help people. i like to write but only when i'm in the mood..i haven't found my style yet but i'm leaning towards informal with a bit of wit..i dunno. i used to think i could act but now i am seriously doubting if i really can. i can sometimes cry on command though, but that also depends on my mood. i love the arts! you know..performing arts, music, visual arts, literature. i love reading books..not all..but most of them..the ones i don't like are the school textbooks. you might be shocked at the thought but i am actually quite shy..i think it's due from my fear of being humiliated and committing mistakes. i'm also dreading the day i'll be riding a real roller coaster because i'm scared that my motion sickness will cause me to puke on somebody [that happened before and it was just zigzags on the mountain]. i'm very emotional and easily influenced. i also have difficulty letting go of just about anything and everything. i am absolutely terrified of my mother. i also fear that my dreams won't come true because the odds aren't very favorable. i think i'm an OK friend/person but i can be a bit of a biotch sometimes.

well..that's about it. i really didn't think i should include my favorite color, my shoe size and all that crap.

why? WHY? i really have no idea! aaack! why do i want/need to be "accepted"? why? why don't i know anything about myself? how can this be solved? hmm..maybe people like me, people who haven't accepted themselves [and who don't even know themselves] are trying to make up for it by trying to get others to know and accept them. maybe we yearn to love ourselves but can't, so we try to get others to do it for us. but the truth is, the odds of that happening is about one to a million, and that doesn't look good at all. i guess the ultimate question is "HOW?"

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i'm uber desperate! i need your help! i feel like i'm julia roberts in runaway bride..the girl with no identity and who doesn't even know how she likes her eggs! but the difference is, she does know herself now and i still haven't got a clue about myself!