having no one

Even though my unsuccessful bid to become a member of a drama club in my college forced me to make the conclusion that I cannot perform to save my life, I’ve recently been trying to prove them wrong..to myself. The thing is..i haven’t succeeded in that either. No matter how hard I try [ok. Maybe I didn’t try that hard] to cry, I just couldn’t. A few times, my eyes welled up enough for a tear to actually fall and cascade down my cheek. During those moments, I kept thinking of myself, of how sad I felt and why I felt that way [but that’s another story]. I “motivated” myself by thinking of the times I felt I wasn’t treated justly. But whenever I thought of something terrible happening to others, say, family members, my tears would just be short of falling from my tear sacs. My eyes would look teary and sad, but the tears would never actually fall. You’d just mistake me for someone who ate a really spicy dish.

Now, you can look at it two ways. Either I just can’t act, can’t put myself in other people’s shoes [sigh], or maybe there’s something much deeper. Answer this question for me, will you? “When you imagine something terrible happening to someone you love, don’t you actually weep a bit?” The thing is..i don’t. And it’s probably not from a lack of trying. I don’t know if this is because no one dear to me has ever died..the closest was my godparent who died from breast cancer..but I was so used to people calling on us to report of another relative succumbing to some type of cancer that it just wasn’t heart-wrenching. Add to that the fact that I always keep my darker, more troubled side to myself. I just didn’t have anyone. When I see others crying because something frightful happened to a close friend or something, that’s when I cry. I cry when I see them crying. Though I am truly mourning with them for their loss, the reason the tears fall is because I’m both jealous and afraid. I’m jealous because they had someone to love, someone they’ll miss, someone they’ll have to adjust to living without. I don’t have that..or maybe I just don’t realize that I do. Still, I’m afraid that when my time comes, no one who’s there will be crying for their loss, that they’ll just be crying for my death, period [it’s selfish but that’s how I feel]. The only time I actually cried for my loss was when I watched “The Passion of The Christ” and all those other Jesus movies. He’s the only one I actually tell everything to, even if he already knows what I’m about to say. But that’s way different..

I don’t know, but I’m hoping there’s a third reason. But if I had to choose one for my lack of overwhelming tears, I’d rather accept the fact that I can’t act, even though that’s pretty sad too. The day I cry when thinking of something horrendous happening to someone I know will be the happiest day of my life, knowing that that means I can truly feel for someone.

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Yes..i do have a troubled side. Sometimes I feel it is too dark yet too petty at the same time, which is why I feel I can’t share it with anyone. People think I’m one thing, but I’m also another thing. I was telling the truth when I said that I was like a modern-day Jekyll and Hyde.